Flowers of Evil – June 17

There’s no shame in tears. This is easier said than ‘done’.

I don’t know, the hell of a day I survived, the emotions I went through, the thoughts I had and things I read and watched.

I couldn’t figure out whether I was empowered or trampled by my own fate.

Every moment today, I stared at me, trying to smile; waiting for someone to wave their hands, frantically egged the apps on my mobile phone to see a silver lining.

I had just one meal, just my breakfast because I’m confined to this room, all by myself, without much courage to walk to the kitchen.

I sit naive, thinking about everything that I’m and I’m not yet I feel I deserve nothing but scorn and contempt.

I thought about ending it. I seriously did.

I recalled everything from the beginning of the day to the end of my zealous nature.

I thought I shouldn’t whine over things and make anything dramatic. Or to open the social media to post everything ridiculous as I normally do. But I was helpless.

Think about that, helpless even to die. This is been a tough day, I know. But this is the sample of days I’m going to have in the future.

I’m going to be like this, with so many questions and confusions.

As other people make their lives pretty and daring, I’ll be left in the lurches, buried by past, unmoving, solemn…

It’s like I have got a rock placed on my chest. I could barely breathe. I could barely stand and ask for even a single glass of water.

I don’t know what the survival rate of my decisions. I don’t know how long I’m going to live. I know these are guttural-voices.

I’ll be alright tomorrow, the day after it and the day after it…

But, when you there, in that point, where you think everything is dumb, that your identity is ‘mutilated’, I don’t know, sometimes people call it quits because they can’t take anything anymore.

Featured Image: a Vaka flower, a metaphor of nostalgia.

 

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Some People Never Go Crazy

All my life, as far as I can remember, I lived by my principles (some of them are weird). I don’t say they are the greatest things or they are the best things – may be they are the best things, I been to.

I apologized to me many times. I apologized to other people many times. So many times I’ve lost myself, so many times I broke my heart, so many times I felt like, this is not the place to be or I just want to go back –to where? I don’t know.

Most important thing I want to say is I survived. I just survived this shit and I am kicking and I’m still on the road.

I was happy for who I am, like most of the time. There have been instances, days, months, literally years; I lived without any idea of what I’m going to do next.

But I stayed. I stayed here.

Sometimes I felt I’ve not done anything – good or bad. Moments when I thought I just existed not living.

You live for who you are; you live for what you love. I’ve gone astray, many times. I didn’t mean I killed anyone. But I’ve gone astray with my mind being polluted, I polluted myself. But you know, I’ve to admit I enjoyed it. That’s the best thing about it. You do something totally reckless but you enjoy it, and you don’t have any guilt. You are free to do whatever you feel needed.

This doesn’t mean I was psychopath who shows no remorse. I’ve regretted many times for the things that I enjoyed doing, thereby hurting a handful of people. I even regretted my birth, so you will get an idea of the shit that I’m talking about.

I regretted many times the things I enjoyed. That’s a bad thing but you have no choice. You can’t predict the future, you are just floating every time, and you don’t even know the time you are being allowed here. You don’t know what you are going through until you get out from that situation and land somewhere else worrying about something totally miserable like the problem you survived.

When you face another situation, you can go back and ask yourself how good that decision was. It’s pointless because you can’t change it for it’s over. Whatever you did in that moment you believed true validated your choice. It has nothing to do with right and wrong, and if it has, definitely you did the right thing. You don’t want to drag your past into your present – ready to wait for judgement – to compare how well or bad you lived. It doesn’t add up.

I have faced tumults times just like everybody else, of course, the difference is I am selfish –like everybody else – and I was more concerned about the things that happen in my life. I had a really difficult time living. But I knew I want to stay, keep holding on the pole that’s given to me by myself.

I was here and I never run away. I never took those white pills you see on soap operas or leapt out of bridges as described by Charles Bukowski. I don’t say I was strong thus I stayed. No, I never was. I loved the status quo. I knew I will never jump into something glittering because that’s not what I was needed at that point of time. So I stayed as if I had no other options or may be lecturing my subconscious that there’s something good going to happen.

When you are inside a storm you are not going to calm down yourself by cursing the storm. Or you can’t stop the storm by blowing with your whole strength. These are the worst a man can do.

So I stayed.

There are things that are even bigger, better and mysterious than you already know. So, realize this; not everything is in your control. Not everything you do can liberate you or make you happy.

As Lao-tzu said; Life is natural and spontaneous reactions to situations. We shouldn’t stress out. Also, you shouldn’t ask for the meaning of everything. The answer to the question meaning of everything is it is meaningless.

People broke me many times. I have been shattered by a person and still I end up with that person. Imagine that, I chose to walk with the same people who broke me. I never said anything to them. I was blinded by faith and trust. I’ve seen people stabbing me right at the heart. They have their reasons to justify this as much as I have my reasons to denounce them. It’s a good thing to remember I never was stabbed by anyone from behind. Because the people I knew – both my friends and foes – were straight or at least turned opportunists only when it really matter them to prioritize their options.

I’ve seen people talk nice and snub you. But I never did anything horrific to anyone. I held my head high and walked away whenever I feel it’s necessary to sustain me. When I felt like my ego is being hurt, my pride is being hurt, my integrity is been taken for granted I was good enough to know my value and walk away.

You are not going hold this thing inside you, or keep repeating this drama and emotional crunch of a moment inside your head and take ‘revenge’ on them. That’s not feasible.

‘You can’t broke someone else in order to fix you’

Whatever you do to your mind to console you, salvage your pride and integrity matter the most. They are already out of this equation. They serve no purpose.

You let go off that people. But most importantly you stay here, like it is needed. Stay here for real. Sometimes that’s how you redeem yourself. Be there when you are happening – simple!

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Title of this post is a quotation by author Charles Bukowski

Featured Photo: My longtime-friend Shameer laughs without malice, as I try to photobomb the frame. Courtesy of Nijeesh KB  

 

 

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Why one should not suicide?

I was 16 or 17 when suicide thoughts stuck me on my face for the first time. It was totally normal, for every man-healthy and kicking- think of their suicide at least for once. This Albert Camus theory was further substantiated when I read half-preacher Paulo Coelho. “There’s always a void between words and action”, he wrote.

I had intrusive thoughts from a very young age. I was thinker – not in the stature of Aristotle; also a worrier. I was quite, laidback and introverted. All of this has a reason, something to pinpoint at my very nature – I don’t have a happy childhood. If you ask me why, I’d say I don’t know or may be I don’t deserve one. It’s not hard to digest as well, because not everyone deserves everything, right?

By the age 17 suicide thoughts consumed me. One day I find out that there’s not much left in me to live happy. Everyone said I was wrong. Of course, I was wrong. At that age one should not be soul searching, let alone think about killing one self.

Over the years I find it too hard to contain me. Thoughts of suicide popped up inside my head. I knew, this could not be the end of everything. But it was enough to destabilize one’s life. I had a guilt laden teenage. I had something in my stomach that won’t digest easily. I carried it fairly a long period of time until I felt I need to cough it out to someone. I never met that someone, but I did cough it out, before a counselor and she said I was wasting all my teenage and I can’t reclaim it, for its gone.

I knew I’m not going to die. Death solves nothing. It will be foolish to die one day without showing any resentment or remorse. Think about it, I’m living like everyone else. I buy groceries, going for movies, enjoying the sunset at Marine Drive and all in a sudden, without even hint, one day I’m dead.

It happens with people, though. I don’t know whether it’s the right way to do it. We all leave trails behind us. That let the people trace you. As you can’t physically present there since you’re dead, people are free to make their own assumptions. Sometimes people end up criticizing you, sometimes they upheld your value – both irrational things.

Why I don’t suicide yet?

Because I was afraid to do it. Failure could botch up my existence. Fear of failure was the only thing that stood between me and suicide. So despite being very passionate about dying, I was taken aback by the question which is half-certain to happen – what if I failed?

Then I find out it was not fear but the time that stops a man from killing himself. You give everything to time and hope for the best. If past hunts, one has to live his present in full. You can’t invite your past into present and let it jeaopordize your life. To cover the past you live the present to fullest. Time helps you achieve this. Time is not idle. It flows, in every direction. You float with the time. On the way, you let go somethings and you embrace some other things. Time teaches to outgrow. The only condition here is, you shouldn’t dictate the flow of time.

‘This too shall pass’ is the mantra I chant everytime my mind play tricks on me. You’ve to be patient to understand what’s happening inside your brain. It can program itself to make you believe that you’re in danger. Whenever this question pops up, before jumping to make conclusion, you’ve to analyse the depth of the danger.

When you’re in pain imagine the depth of it. How far the roots of pain travelled through your neurones. Ask yourself whether this pain is going to last forever. What’s the answer? — hours? Days? A Week? Don’t worry, just make a pact with pain and wait it to recede. You’ve to walk the path yourself inorder to drain the pain. 

Next, what if you don’t know how long will you have to bear the pain? Well, here’s the intervention of time comes handy. You give the question to Time.

You don’t have to retire from the question, nor do you feed it with new assumptions. Days bring in new characters, settings, properties and help you cope up with what you already know. Don’t take this as a futile excersice. Sometimes it takes more time for one to convince oneself things which he already knew, than things that are unknown.

Everyday is different. No matter how hard you try to prove the days all look same, there’s evidently differences in each second. Every moment is unique and for that very reason, you are missing a great deal of exclusivity.

One day you feel pain has infested you, like real hard that you’re about to die. You cry your heart out, have panic attacks etc… But, you survive because pain can’t physically cut or wound you.

The very next day, you feel the pain is receded. May be the next day, it’ll comeback with double the force of first episode. So it becomes a fight with the days more than it is against your thoughts.

Days wage this proxy war not to convince you about anything. But, that’s how days are. It has no reminiscence, it flows, it renews every moment and flies away like a beautiful bird.

Day are different so is the pain. You see ups and downs, everyday promises something new, A new pain or a new way to control the pain.

So put a check on the anticipation. Wait for the day to roll. One day, you’re almost dying of it. Another day you forget you had pain. It’s in this circle humans are bound to live and die. You chose to exit one day, you miss out on the upcoming days. Thus, the pain and pleasures are left out.

You can argue you never wanted to take this game forward. That’s good, but you’ve to admit all-things-beautiful life that you dreamt is never possible, or at the least it’s inside the heads of people and it’s too absurd to be true.

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Notes from the unknown

When the two men came face to face, He was afraid to stand-up for his cause. He knew he was right. but more than the righteousness of the situation, he was drawn to his basic trait – To escape, the fear of facing the world, an emotion which embedded in him like the web of a spider, exhausting and pulling back.

Later, He admitted it;

“I’m an over-protected, spoiled son of a government official, whose only wish in life was to build a concrete house with four walls that will keep the outside world from meddling into our lives. I want to thank my Daddy for gifting me the most miserable childhood I can imagine”

That’s how I ended up liking this boy!

 

Featured Image: Ralph in Lord of the Flies. A symbol of childhood, insecurities and ‘lose of innocence’ as Mr. William Golding puts it

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Tribute: Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society

Just yesterday, while watching Oscar videos in YouTube, I accidentally stumbled upon Robin Williams.

For a moment I felt cold and numb. Because, I knew Mr. Williams is no more and he was one of the greatest entertainers of the generation.

I’ve watched one by one, Robin Williams’ Oscar appearances. He was witty and funny in all of them, maybe except in the 1998 Oscar moment, where he was in the podium to receive the award for best actor in a supporting role.

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He said, “This is the only time I am speechless”. Indeed, this man has always find happiness in giving people joy than accepting it. And sadly, it could well be the reason why he decided to end his life abrupt.

Robin Williams was the smiling face for everyone. He got the nick to fix desolate situations. He surely was Hollywood’s comic relief. That is the same fact I find real hard to chew, because a man of his stature, an impeccable human being suddenly resorted to killing himself, leaving no trace of what actually went wrong in the script of his life.

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I hadn’t seen Goodwill Hunting, which many argue his best movie. But my love for Robin Williams was rooted when I watched the movie Dead Poets Society.

Literally, I was awestruck by the film with Williams giving life to a Character that a few will only forget.

Dead Poets Society was an eye opening film. Wonderful narration, extraordinary youngsters casted along Mr. Williams and dreamy script enabled the movie a reminiscent experience.

Keating, who scaled life without the regular life-gears, was an exemplary example and the most important thing of all was – they chose the best of actor to do the role. Dead Poets Society was revered because Robin Williams has touched it.

I remember when we heard the news of his demise; everyone took it to the social media to show their respect by posting the beloved phrase from Dead Poets Society – “Oh Captain My Captain!”

I always say to my pals that of all the good movies ever made, Dead Poets Society may not be counted as the best one ever. The point however that it was a movie happened at the right time and was inevitable.

Even though Robin Williams found it hard to cling on to hope in his real life his thorough act as the agent of hope worked out extremely well in the movie. It moved the audience, touched them deep within to remind them one of their hardest dream – to have a great teacher.

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The void Mr. Williams left behind was easy to understand as we watch Whoopie Goldberg and Steve Martin almost sobbing, a scene a few would love to watch, when they try to recollect their memories about their “friend” and “brother”

There is a gripping suicide scene in Dead Poets Society. The blue eyed boy, Neil Perry kills himself with a hand gun. In the movie he was a real promise. He represented the energy of youth and obedience of a fine young man. His frenzy was envied by everyone including every single member of audience who watched him play lead role in Shakespeare’s ‘A Midsummer night’s dream’.

The wild joy named Neil Perry took a short cut to dismantle his life, thereby everyone’s life by choosing metal bullets. That moment is the single most haunting scene in Dead Poets Society let alone the moment Todd Anderson reacts like his heart is broken.

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It is an irony, maybe, years later Robin Williams too bowed out in a similar fashion. Silently, he proclaimed he lost the battle with days and he is no more the captain.

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