All my life, as far as I can remember, I lived by my principles (some of them are weird). I don’t say they are the greatest things or they are the best things – may be they are the best things, I been to.
I apologized to me many times. I apologized to other people many times. So many times I’ve lost myself, so many times I broke my heart, so many times I felt like, this is not the place to be or I just want to go back –to where? I don’t know.
Most important thing I want to say is I survived. I just survived this shit and I am kicking and I’m still on the road.
I was happy for who I am, like most of the time. There have been instances, days, months, literally years; I lived without any idea of what I’m going to do next.
But I stayed. I stayed here.
Sometimes I felt I’ve not done anything – good or bad. Moments when I thought I just existed not living.
You live for who you are; you live for what you love. I’ve gone astray, many times. I didn’t mean I killed anyone. But I’ve gone astray with my mind being polluted, I polluted myself. But you know, I’ve to admit I enjoyed it. That’s the best thing about it. You do something totally reckless but you enjoy it, and you don’t have any guilt. You are free to do whatever you feel needed.
This doesn’t mean I was psychopath who shows no remorse. I’ve regretted many times for the things that I enjoyed doing, thereby hurting a handful of people. I even regretted my birth, so you will get an idea of the shit that I’m talking about.
I regretted many times the things I enjoyed. That’s a bad thing but you have no choice. You can’t predict the future, you are just floating every time, and you don’t even know the time you are being allowed here. You don’t know what you are going through until you get out from that situation and land somewhere else worrying about something totally miserable like the problem you survived.
When you face another situation, you can go back and ask yourself how good that decision was. It’s pointless because you can’t change it for it’s over. Whatever you did in that moment you believed true validated your choice. It has nothing to do with right and wrong, and if it has, definitely you did the right thing. You don’t want to drag your past into your present – ready to wait for judgement – to compare how well or bad you lived. It doesn’t add up.
I have faced tumults times just like everybody else, of course, the difference is I am selfish –like everybody else – and I was more concerned about the things that happen in my life. I had a really difficult time living. But I knew I want to stay, keep holding on the pole that’s given to me by myself.
I was here and I never run away. I never took those white pills you see on soap operas or leapt out of bridges as described by Charles Bukowski. I don’t say I was strong thus I stayed. No, I never was. I loved the status quo. I knew I will never jump into something glittering because that’s not what I was needed at that point of time. So I stayed as if I had no other options or may be lecturing my subconscious that there’s something good going to happen.
When you are inside a storm you are not going to calm down yourself by cursing the storm. Or you can’t stop the storm by blowing with your whole strength. These are the worst a man can do.
So I stayed.
There are things that are even bigger, better and mysterious than you already know. So, realize this; not everything is in your control. Not everything you do can liberate you or make you happy.
As Lao-tzu said; Life is natural and spontaneous reactions to situations. We shouldn’t stress out. Also, you shouldn’t ask for the meaning of everything. The answer to the question meaning of everything is it is meaningless.
People broke me many times. I have been shattered by a person and still I end up with that person. Imagine that, I chose to walk with the same people who broke me. I never said anything to them. I was blinded by faith and trust. I’ve seen people stabbing me right at the heart. They have their reasons to justify this as much as I have my reasons to denounce them. It’s a good thing to remember I never was stabbed by anyone from behind. Because the people I knew – both my friends and foes – were straight or at least turned opportunists only when it really matter them to prioritize their options.
I’ve seen people talk nice and snub you. But I never did anything horrific to anyone. I held my head high and walked away whenever I feel it’s necessary to sustain me. When I felt like my ego is being hurt, my pride is being hurt, my integrity is been taken for granted I was good enough to know my value and walk away.
You are not going hold this thing inside you, or keep repeating this drama and emotional crunch of a moment inside your head and take ‘revenge’ on them. That’s not feasible.
‘You can’t broke someone else in order to fix you’
Whatever you do to your mind to console you, salvage your pride and integrity matter the most. They are already out of this equation. They serve no purpose.
You let go off that people. But most importantly you stay here, like it is needed. Stay here for real. Sometimes that’s how you redeem yourself. Be there when you are happening – simple!
Title of this post is a quotation by author Charles Bukowski
Featured Photo: My longtime-friend Shameer laughs without malice, as I try to photobomb the frame. Courtesy of Nijeesh KB