Secretly Watching An Andh Sangi Bhakt

Thid happened just an hour ago and I swear I’m not fabricating this. I’m sorry I had to do this, but this was awesome.

I was on a bus to Vyttila, Ernakulam. Almost all seats were occupied and I was among five people standing. Then I noticed a man doing what everyone normally does when we’re in a boring situation: scrolling through his facebook timeline.

I was curious and wanted to peep into his screen partly because I’m a Malayali and partly because normally it’s a turn on for the pervert in me to intimately observe random people.

So, coming back to this guy sitting in the aisle seat of the bus that’s running under 30 kilometres per hour.

He was somewhere in the middle of scrolling his timeline. Now appears a post. It was a picture of Actor turned Politician Suresh Gopi handing over money to a group of people. The caption reads;

“സത്യമല്ലേ?? പാർട്ടി ഏതായാലും വേണ്ടില്ല. ഇദ്ദേഹം ചെയ്യുന്ന സഹായം വേറെ ആരും ചെയ്യുന്നില്ല.”

Our protagonist likes this post to move on to the next.

Next few posts some profile pictures. He passively clicked the like button to stay in the game.

Then came a post bearing the photo of an activist. A placard in his hand reads

“റോഡിൽ പൊങ്കാല വേണ്ട”

The caption for this picture reads; (sorry I couldn’t remember the exact words)

“ഹിന്ദുക്കളുടെ… അർപ്പോ ആർത്തവം… നബിദിന റാലി…”

Then my honey-boy likes a few comments posted under that photo before deciding to comment himself. He searched for words, opened his Google handwriting input keyboard and slowly but with precision wrote the following comment.

“ഈ പച്ച തക്കാളിയുടെ പത്നിയുടെ ഹൃദയ ഭാഗത്ത് പൊങ്കാല ഇടണം”

He was so calm and composed when he commented this. It’s important to note that he didn’t even tilt his head either way to check on intruders like me.

Anyway, what kept me hooked was his next movement. After making a grave insult to someone’s wife and making no effort to went out the shamelessness, he scrolled down to find a beautiful picture of a young girl — aged 7 or 8, daughter of someone within his party or family — and pressed the like button.

Process this again in your brain.

A man who’s so shameless that he posted something vicious about someone’s wife in a post that has nothing to do with that woman. At the very next moment he finds an adorable picture of a child on his timeline and press like to show his love.

Moving on, he now is trapped in a handful of posts hailing prime minister Modi. When that chest thumping was over he falls into the territory of Priyanka Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Pinarayi Vijayan. He showered some likes to the posts to find the treasure that’s I’m going to describe next.

And here comes a critical post. It accused local BJP leaders of doing nothing but posting selfies on social media. And my guy just ignored that post.

He is hovering his finger over a post which resembles the headline of a news website. It reads;

“ക്ഷേത്രത്തിൽ കടന്ന് ആക്രമണം നടത്താൻ ശ്രമിച്ച ഐ.എസ് ഭീകരരെ സൈന്യം പിടികൂടി”

One has to say it’s an ideal news platform. The story has no date line, publishing time or date. I couldn’t recall the details but it wasn’t a good news story by any means.

My protagonist took this opportunity to comment his wisdom again to prove his mettle. He commented the following;

“മോദിയാണ് ഭരിക്കുന്നത് യന്ത്ര മനുഷ്യൻ അല്ല. പ്രധാന മന്ത്രിയെക്കാളും ആത്മവിശ്വാസം സൈനികർക്ക്”

Next post was even hilarious. It was another news headline.

“ക്ഷേത്രത്തിലെ പ്രസാദത്തിൽ ഐ.എസ് ഭീകരർ വിഷം കലക്കി”

He liked it. Thankfully there’s another guy commented below the post the most basic of all questions.

“എവിടെ?”

That question was unanswered, obviously.

Ironically the last post that I saw him liked was a profile picture of another guy. The caption under the picture read; (these are not the exact words)

“ചോദ്യം ചെയ്യാതെ വികാരത്തിന് അടിമകളായി ജീവിക്കേണ്ടി വരുന്നതിലും മരണമാണ് നല്ലത്”

Just thinking, what it would be like getting hold of the timeline of Andham-commies and Congress workers! Smile and move on, children.

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